All of us make mistakes that we regret for a long time. I’ve certainly had my fair share of them. Mistakes I made as a teenager, times when I didn’t listen to my mum’s advice, and many other decisions I wish I had made differently. Some of these mistakes have left me with regrets that still linger till today. If I could turn back the clock, I would go back to 1990, when I was 17, and relive that year with the wisdom I have today.
But anyway, what’s done cannot be undone lor.
What worries me, though, is seeing one of my daughters coming close to repeating some of my mistakes. She’s a mini-me in certain ways. The way she thinks, the way she talks to me (sometimes exactly how I used to talk to my own mum!), and now, something else she’s doing that I’m genuinely worried she may one day regret.
I message her every single day, chat with her, and try to subtly steer her away from decisions that I fear may lead to heartache. I was once her age, and I think I understand what’s going through her mind. At her age, the part of the brain responsible for decision-making and weighing long-term consequences is still developing, with maturation continuing into the mid-20s. So, no matter how hard I try to knock some sense into her, I know there are things she simply may not be ready to see or understand yet.
So, what am I supposed to do?
I can only let her walk her own path, even when I’m afraid she may stumble and get hurt along the way. As much as I wish I could protect her from every wrong turn, I know I cannot live her life for her.
But I’ve told her time and again that if she ever falls, gets hurt by her own decisions or gets hurt by someone else, she can always come to me. My door will always be open. I won’t say, “I told you so,” and I won’t lecture her. I just want her to know that she will always have a safe place to land.
I even told her, “Just come to Ipoh. I’ll buy you ice cream and we’ll go eat buffet.”
Because sometimes, when life gets too much, you don’t need a lecture or someone to remind you of your mistakes. You just need a hug, a good cry, some ice cream and a buffet meal with your mum. ❤️
So, now you can understand why I’ve been struggling with chronic insomnia, panda eyes and eye bags. There are just too many things going on in the mind of this professional worrier! And it’s not just one daughter I worry about. I have three, and each gives me a different set of worries. Some are big worries, some are smaller ones, but a mother’s mind never really switches off, does it?
I know this is just the ebb and flow of life. I also know that worrying excessively won’t change the outcome of things. So, I’ve been trying to teach myself to let go.
At 3am, I resist the urge to check my phone to see if Daughter A has replied to my message. I tell myself not to think about all the problems weighing on my mind and try to coax myself back to sleep. The outcome? Almost always futile. By 4.30am, I give up, check my phone and get out of bed to start my day. 😂
Honestly, I wish I could just chill and stop worrying so much about everything.
But perhaps what I really need to learn is acceptance.
Accept that my daughters will make their own choices, just as I made mine. Accept that they may make mistakes, even when I’ve tried my best to guide them. Accept that I cannot control every outcome, prevent every heartbreak or protect them from every lesson life has to teach them.
And perhaps, just as importantly, learn to stop worrying so much about what other people think or say.
I’ve spent enough years worrying about the past, the future and all the things that could go wrong. Maybe it’s time to let life unfold as it should, one day at a time.
I can love them, guide them and be there for them. But I cannot walk their paths for them.
Now, if only I could convince my overthinking brain to accept all this and let me sleep peacefully at night. 😅
Below is a throwback photo of my girls taken 12 years ago at the Boh tea plantation in Camerons 🩷
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